Just when I thought things were calming down, I have to go and make a move that shoots my stress level back through the roof.
I'm taking my GRE on Saturday. I STILL haven't finished the application to my grad school of choice. And I'm also working on starting a business in Quito with Ecuadorian friend. You'd think that all of this, on top of dealing with trans issues, would be more than enough stress for one single human being, right?
Wrong.
It seems I just can't get enough of it. Because I'm paranoid that the business with Ecuadorian Friend will go under, and because I'm also paranoid that I won't get into my grad school of choice, I made the decision at 11:00 the other night (while drunk) that I need to apply to ANOTHER graduate program in case I don't get into the one I'm already applying to.
The college I currently attend has quite a good literature program. And, as I mentioned before, I am pretty much addicted to school. My initial plan had been to get my master's degree in library science, work as a librarian, and use a portion of the money I made at that job to get my PhD, hopefully while continuing to work. Yes, this is a very long-term plan.
But lately I've been worried that I'm not smart or efficient enough to get into that graduate program. The logical part of me says that I am and I'm worrying for nothing, but the insane anxiety-riddled part of me still screams that I'll fail the GRE (which is actually impossible to fail), I'll graduate college with no job prospects, my parents will kick me out of their house because I'm an opportunity-less loser tranny, I'll wind up living on the streets and die in a dirty box, and also get eaten by rabid sharks while I'm at it.
Thus, backup plan #3 was born.
So I called my dad at 11:00 at night, drunk, to ask his permission to apply to my college's literature graduate program.
Me: Dad?
Dad: Yeah, honey. What's up?
Me: I was wondering...because I'm applying to library school and all, but that's the only place I'm applying to and I might not get in and the business in Quito might not work out and I don't want to wind up working at Borders or PETCO forever even though I'll have a college degree--
Dad: What do you need, hon?
Me: Can I apply to my college's grad program for literature?
Dad (after a long pause): Well...what sort of opportunities would that open up for you? With library school, you could be a librarian, but what sort of job could you get with a master's degree in literature?
Me: It would be a step toward my PhD, and with a PhD I could teach college. And with just a master's degree, I could teach community college.
Dad: I thought you didn't want to teach. Isn't that why you switched out of the teaching program?
Me: College is different, Dad! People WANT to be there. And I'd be teaching about books.
Dad (after another long pause): You can do what you want, honey. And it's good to have other options in case something doesn't work out.
Me: So I can do it?
Dad: Yeah. That's probably a good idea, actually.
Me: Yay!
I actually said, "Yay!" to my dad on the phone. I'm pretty sure he picked up on the fact that I'd been drinking, but did I really need to drop my immaturity level even more? Probably not.
I can't decide if I should stop drinking altogether because I do stupid sh*t when I'm drunk and get into trouble, or keep it up because I get brilliant ideas when I've been drinking and also because I can speak absolutely flawless Spanish when I'm drunk but not when I'm sober.
I think I'll keep it up because I'll need the Spanish for starting the business in Quito.
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