This is why I'm moving to Ecuador

So I learned the hard way (yet again) that when I can't sleep, watching a movie that will evoke any kind of emotion whatsoever is a BAD idea. I woke up in the middle of the night unable to sleep, and Marine had just arrived home from whatever the hell it is he goes out and does during the day. He was bored and I was wide awake, so we watched Repo Men, which I had never seen. Yeah. GREAT idea, Pete. And then when I woke up from nightmares about people ripping out other people's internal organs, all I could do was berate myself for watching the damn movie in the first place. And of course, when I woke up from these nightmares and went and woke Marine up crying that I was scared and I'd had nightmares and there was definitely a serial killer in bed with me, he was like, "Mehhhhhh, you're fine, I need to go back to sleep. I gotta be up at 9:00." Which is SO early. Because I DIDN'T have to be up at 6:45 for my 7:30 work shift. I envy him working nights. I'm also a little bitter because if someone really did sneak into my room and rip out all my organs and leave me bleeding and dying, Marine would have failed magnificently at his job. Why does he think I keep him around? It's so he can beat up and/or scare off any criminals who come my way. Because he's a former f*cking MARINE and he's terrifying.

I didn't even like the movie that much. I wasn't scared of it. I was mostly grossed out. I like Repo: the Genetic Opera better. It has Sarah Brightman in it. And I worship her.

So after yet another horrible night's sleep, I had to get up and come to work. I am currently sitting behind a desk in a mostly empty building helping NO ONE because only insane people who sit in a corner by themselves and don't talk to anyone come to the library this early in the morning.

But I know that, when people do start arriving, I'm going to have to deal with everyone thinking I'm a girl.

Because a kid sitting behind a desk with a flat (as much as I can make it) chest and short hair and men's clothes is DEFINITELY a girl.

Okay, so I fit the standard of some butches. But honestly, short of pinning a note on my chest that says "I AM A BOY," I have no idea what else I can do to give people the impression that I am, in fact, male.

I lower my voice as much as I can. The problem is that I have an unnaturally high-pitched voice. Like, high-pitched even for a girl. I answer the phone and people think they're talking to a 9-year-old schoolgirl. I think maybe they think that I'm one of my supervisors' daughters and I've been given the task of answering the phone to keep me from tearing around the library in a hyperactive fit or something. And then they realize that I'm actually an employee when I'm able to answer their question. They probably hang up either very confused, or thinking that I'm an adult woman with some kind of speech problem or vocal cord issue that pitches my voice even higher than is normal and socially acceptable.

I'm also very short. I've tried and tried to grow, but it doesn't work. It's not like I drink copious amounts of caffeine and it's stunted my growth. I don't even like caffeine much. I drink tea like it's going out of style, but even then I usually drink caffeine free tea because I'm scared that if I drink caffeinated tea that I won't be able to fall asleep. Which, really, I shouldn't bother to worry about because I'm never able to fall asleep anyway so the tea probably won't make worse what already isn't happening.

But I also drink milk like nobody's business. Not the gross fat free milk, either. No, I drink organic whole milk. A LOT of organic whole milk. You know how parents tell you that you'll grow up to be big and strong if you drink lots of milk? That's a LIE.

I drink roughly 8 glasses of milk a day. And I'm still just barely five feet tall. What the hell, Mom? What was the point of that lie?

So people see short person and they're like, "Ooooh! Short person! It must be a girl because females are naturally shorter than men!" Even though Ecuadorian Friend is a man and about an inch taller than me. Maybe. An inch might even be an overestimate.

I've also mentioned before that my breasts are more like continents than actual breasts. Unfortunately, there's nothing I can do about this beyond wearing my binder, which doesn't flatten them enough to make them unnoticeable. Eventually I'll get the double mastectomy I've been dreaming about for years, but I can't do that until I'm on hormones and I can't get on hormones until I've seen the right doctor and I can't see the right doctor until my other doctors all figure out what the hell they're talking about and actually manage to give me valid advice. And I also need to quit smoking, because I have to meet thoroughly unreasonable health expectations before I can start HRT.

The problem, I've realized, is that I was born a GIRL. And I lived as a girl for TWENTY YEARS. I wouldn't have these issues if I'd been born the way I feel that I should have been born.

This is why I'm moving to Ecuador. There, nobody cares how I identify and they won't question it and they'll just offer me more whiskey/rum/anything alcoholic and we'll all have fun and I can start my business and be a rich Ecuadorian bookseller forever.