So, instead of knuckling down and studying the night before my GRE, I figured it would be a good idea to go to a gay club with Oldest Little Brother and a friend of ours (who is a totally awesome femme lesbian) who had just turned 18 and never been to a club. I know how I work. I would have been stressed all night and not slept at all if I'd stayed in. I figured that going out and taking my mind off things would be best. Which, it turns out, worked out perfectly.
The only blemish of the night was when Oldest Little Brother, Femme, and I went to Starbucks before heading to the club.
This incident is probably so meaningless (to them) that they don't even remember it. But it's another one of those things that seems meaningless to people who aren't trans, but that stands out like a sore thumb to those of us in the club who have gone through it.
Bathrooms.
Those of you who are trans are probably cringing right now.
Those of you who aren't may be a little confused.
You see, stores and businesses usually have bathrooms for public use. To the untrained eye, this seems convenient. You don't have to run down the street to find a place to pee. And even on a deeper level, this may still appear to be a good thing, because most public restrooms are gendered. One for women, one for men.
The problem comes in when you get gender-queer people like me who can't figure out which restroom to use.
I still appear feminine enough that walking into a men's room earns me weird looks and glares and sometimes even questions. Yes, I have put this to the test. BUT, it's very awkward for me to use the women's room. I feel like I'm walking in on something private, something that I should not be privy to because I do not fall into the elite group allowed to use that particular restroom.
My college is quite up-to-date on these issues and in a lot of the buildings on campus, they have family restrooms. This kills two birds with one stone, because parents can bring their children in there without having to worry about which-gendered-parent and which-gendered-child are allowed in which restroom, and also because the gender-queers on campus can use them freely and not have to worry about choosing a gendered restroom, both of which can be equally uncomfortable.
Unfortunately, a lot of public businesses are not quite there yet.
I informed Oldest Little Brother and Femme that I had to pee like a racehorse, and took about two steps toward the restroom before freezing up. I turned around, started to say something, stuttered incoherently, and finally stopped and resorted to looking helpless.
Oldest Little Brother: What's up?
Me: Um...are these single-person restrooms or do they have stalls for lots of people?
Oldest Little Brother: Single-person. Why?
Me: Um...will I get murdered if I use the men's room?
Oldest Little Brother: This is the most liberal city in the state. What do you think?
Me: Oh yeah.
And I used the men's room without incident. Turns out, nobody in Starbucks cared.
The advantage to living in one of the most liberal and open-minded cities in my state is that I can do stuff like that and generally not have to worry. The downfall is that you still get some intolerant people who have a problem with it.
My trouble is this: men in particular can get hostile, if not downright violent, toward people who don't meet gender stereotypes. I don't meet gender stereotypes for men OR women. I'm kind of my own category. But physically, I still look rather feminine, and regardless of where I am, there is still the risk of being hurt and/or killed if I don't choose carefully when it comes to the gender binary. It sucks, but it's real.
Like I said, the incident probably didn't even register to Oldest Little Brother and Femme. But for me, I'm seriously thrilled that I managed to use public restroom and didn't wind up in the hospital for it.
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