On the Plus Side...

I've been incredibly busy with school and doctors, and I haven't been posting much lately. The guilt is eating away at my soul.

My last post was kind of a flood of angst and depression and woes. I'm working hard to keep my head above water and remind myself that there is a light at the end of the tunnel. I've encountered a lot of incredibly supportive people in the last few weeks. None of them are doctors, but all have had many kind words and some very helpful advice for me. I would like it to officially be on the record that I love you all very much! :D

I know that I'll get through this. It's a long, hard road to take, but I am determined to do it. And those of you who know me are well aware that when I'm determined, I don't give up.

It's great that I've got all this positive energy. One minor roadblock is that I don't entirely know where to direct it. I'll work it out eventually. The issue is that there are so many ways to go about getting on testosterone, and I've chosen one that is quite approved of by doctors, but also one of the slowest routes. There are other, perfectly legal, ways to get on testosterone. There are just so many! It's not like choosing a fork in the road. It's more like choosing the most efficient route from your house to Starbucks, if you live on one side of a crowded city and Starbucks is on the other side of the city, and you have to take into account traffic and road construction and which stoplights are longer than others and where the most pedestrians are and the weather and if you want to go through the worst part of town to save yourself from time but risk being carjacked and whether there's a possibility of acid rain or alien invasions or a zombie uprising and you're also navigating in the pitch dark with broken headlights and no GPS. At least, that's what it feels like to me. Like I said, I'll get there eventually. I just have to stay positive.

One of the things that's helping to keep me positive is that I'm going back to Ecuador!

I saved up my money for months and bought my own plane ticket. I didn't think I'd see Ecuadorian Friend again so soon, but I'll get to in March!

One of the things I'm looking forward to most is NOBODY questioning my gender. I don't know why people just weren't bothered by it last time, but I can't wait to be in a place where my gender identity just doesn't f***ing matter.

Why I officially hate doctors

I'm having more issues and I'm very close to breaking down completely.

The process of getting HRT is long and exhausting. I've been shunted around from doctor to doctor. Very few of them seem to actually know what they're doing, despite the fact that it's their JOB to help me. And my life, and medical process, recently got even more complicated when my primary therapist told me that she's "not comfortable recommending me for HRT at this time." I'm seeing multiple therapists, and she is NOT the one I'm seeing through the University of Michigan Comprehensive Gender Services Clinic. Nonetheless, I need a letter of recommendation from her and the other therapist I'm seeing in order to even be considered for admission into the U of M gender services program, and it's only on admittance to this program that I can look into HRT and surgical options. There are other, faster routes I could take, but the few of them that are legal are rather frowned upon, and I'd like to go through the process in the safest way possible. Unfortunately, that means being utterly dependent on doctors who really do not seem to have my best interest at heart.

I signed a release of information so that my primary therapist could relay my information to the therapist I'm seeing through U of M. My U of M doctor was not pleased by the news that my primary therapist would not write my letter of recommendation. I'm very, very scared that her opinion will affect his, which will thus affect my admittance into the program.

My U of M doctor has to present my case to a board of doctors who will then decide whether I get admitted or not. A huge portion of my future is going to be in the hands of people who have never even met me.

I've seen so many doctors, and even more doctors who I don't know at all are a big part of this process. I'm terrified that my process of transitioning is going to come to a complete halt. I have no choice but to depend on people who, a) do not know me, b) don't seem to care, and/or c) appear to be going out of their way to actively stop me.

I am absolutely falling apart. I don't know what to do.