Mistake?

A big part of the reason that I haven´t been blogging much lately is because I sank into depression. I did mention this at one point, when I tried to blog again and spewed out a few lame posts. After these posts, events occurred that yet again caused me to hate myself and withdraw from the world.

I posted earlier this year about attempting to get into a comprehensive gender services program. This is turning out to be more difficult than I expected, and believe me, I expected it to be pretty f***ing difficult.

In the beginning, my therapist was an issue. She had been my therapist for two years and thus (I had assumed) was well aware of my needs. Apparently this was a very wrong assumption to make, because she was "not comfortable recommending me for hormones at this time."

I really didn´t feel like fighting with her. This woman wanted to talk about nothing besides my birth mother. Any and all other events, circumstances, emotions, or coincidences were linked to my birthmother, according to this woman. I´m sorry, lady, but I´m just not comfortable blaming my own feelings about my own damn self on a woman who was so absent in my life that she wouldn´t have known what I looked like had she not owned a mirror. She may be responsible for my variety of physical and mental health issues, seeing as the fact that she was pregnant didn´t stop her from drinking, smoking, and taking I don´t know what all. But how I think of myself has to do with me. ME, lady! ME! Me and other people and events that have been PRESENT in my life and thus made an IMPACT.

I solved this issue by dumping her. I feel better already. I can find other sources of my problems besides my bastard heritage and actually fix them instead of yelling at a headstone. I don´t think the headstone heard me when I tried to accuse it of things. At least, it didn´t respond.

My latest problem, however, has been my mother.

I can only guess my mother´s motivation for behaving the way she does. I´ve narrowed it down to:

1) She doesn´t understand, and is therefore pretending that the thing she doesn´t understand does not exist

2) She´s afraid of change

3) She thinks my transition is a way to get back at her for something she imagines I blame her for, such as a miserable childhood or being a bad parent (neither of which are true)

4) She´s afraid of what people might think of her if they find out her kid is trans

5) She is genuinely ashamed of me

Something I don´t think that my mother will ever understand is that my transition has nothing to do with her. I love my mother very much. I had a wonderful childhood and she is an exceptional parent in many ways. This change that I´m making isn´t about humiliating anyone, and nor is it about projecting blame onto anyone. It´s just something that I NEED TO DO. More than that, it´s something that I´m ready to do.

I´m not sure my mother realizes the damage she´s doing.

When the doctor I´m seeing in order to be admitted to the comprehensive gender services program asked if we could have a meeting with my parents, my heart sank. If he was going to form any of his opinion of me based on what my parents had to say, I was royally f***ed.

Still, I agreed to the group session. One of the reasons I´m taking this long and painful route to transition is because it has done much to reassure my father on the subject. He has admitted that he still doesn´t understand my transition, but the fact that I´m willing to go through such a grueling process has led him to understand that my feelings are genuine; that I´m concerned for my own safety; and that I am taking into account how other people feel about this.

In my lifetime, I have met far too many people who say, "If they can´t accept you for who you are, then they don´t deserve you."

Folks, this is a really popular phrase.

It also does not apply to me.

Think of me what you will, but I am extremely close to my family. Walking away from them is not an option. In all practicality, I can´t go anywhere within the state and not come across someone that one of my family members knows. I cannot effectively disappear when my family members will constantly be updated on my whereabouts and well-being whether I like it or not. But on a deeper level, these people are an essential part of my daily life. I live with my cousin. I work for my father. My house is around the corner from my grandparents and three streets away from my birthfather. Two of my cousins attended my previous college with me, and one of them attends the one that I currently go to. I see a dozen family members a day, whether it´s at work or at school or on the street. They had committed to me just as much as I have committed to them. Walking away would NOT be an act of self-preservation. It would serve only to alienate and isolate me.

So, when my father tells me that I am showing that I am considering how other people feel about my transition, he´s right, to a degree. I´m certainly not trying to be obnoxious about it or rub it in anyone´s face. It´s just that it´s a physical transformation as well, and I feel that other people need to at least be aware of what´s going on. Otherwise I could show up at my next family reunion and scare my grandmother to death with my new beard.

As far as I can tell, my mother´s problem with my transition is that she takes ANY information I offer as me rubbing her face in the issue.

For example, before I ventured out for Ecuador, I started packing. In the most politically correct sense of the definition, "packing" refers to your pants. A lot of transmen pack. Including me.

Now, I´ve heard horror stories of transmen being hauled off by airport security and asked to remove their pants because the security guards don´t actually know what a pack is. This, from my point of view, is understandable. If you haven´t come across something before, it´s ridiculous to assume that you can be able to identify it through magic or telepathy. And security has gotten increasingly tight at airports in the last few years. My mother´s water bottle and my brother´s shampoo were confiscated; so when you come across an unidentifiable object in someone´s pants, what else are you going to do?

This is not to say that I agree with transmen having to yank down their pants for an audience. I think it´s humiliating and it´s something that I never want to encounter in my life. However, I had never before travelled while wearing my pack and I wasn´t entirely sure what might happen.

I weighed the options of not wearing my pack, and carrying it in my suitcase. I opted against this because I didn´t want security to tear apart my bag if they couldn´t identify it. If it was attached to me, at least I could offer an explanation.

Now, imagine that you are a parent. If your child, even an adult offspring, were undertaking a journey on their own, and they got searched by security, would you want to know?

Most likely.

I am confident that my own parents would want to know.

Now, imagine that your adult offspring, about to undertake this journey, knows that he/she/ze is a potential security risk. Would you still want to know?

Maybe.

Imagine that your adult offspring knows that they are a potential security risk, does NOT tell you, gets dragged off by airport security, and is made to remove their pants in order to prove that they are not actually carrying anything dangerous. And imagine that you hear about this incident after the fact. What would your likely response be?

I am relatively sure that, after verbally abusing the security guards to hell, my parents would ask me what the f*** I was thinking and want to know why I didn´t tell them if I knew that something like this could happen.

With this in mind, I carefully approached the subject with my mother. I would have even left the contents of my pants out of it, dropping the subject after mentioning that security might examine me, except that she wanted to know why.

This woman would not let go of a subject if you tried to pry it away from her with a crowbar. I even wound up admitting to her that I´d injured my wrist while tied down to a bed and enjoying an evening with a partner of mine, because she wouldn´t stop asking how I hurt my wrist! I gave her a variety of vague answers that did not satisfy her, until at last I burst forth with the incriminating information. My mother didn´t speak to me for the rest of the afternoon.

So I was cautious about telling her why I might be a security risk. But she had asked why, so I indulged.

The first thing out of her mouth after I explained was, "(legal name), it is entirely inappropriate for you to tell me what you´ve got in your pants!"

Yes, mother. The next time I decide to be publicly humiliated, I will politely keep the information to myself.

Airport security gave me no trouble, by the way. But the risk was significant enough that I deemed it important for my parents to be aware of what could potentially happen. But, as usual, I judged wrong.

Oh yeah, and despite a year and a half of knowing about my transition, my mother continues to call me my legal name.

Like I said, I don´t know if she realizes the damage she´s doing.

She and my father came along with me to the family therapy session. I was not aware, until the session began, that my mother had written out a "list of concerns" that she wanted to share with the doctor.

I was horrified to discover that my mother´s "list of concerns" was more like a list of accusations. She had come up with every reason she could think of that I should not transition.

She brought up some of my past psychological issues, which are now under control due to medication.

She brought up various interests of mine that are "girly," such as the Barbie collection that SHE provided me with and my favorite color being purple.

She brought up past incidents that I had wanted to forget, seeing as they were not some of my proudest moments, that had nothing to do with my transition.

My mother made me look like a desperate liar who will do anything for attention.

To her, it does not matter how I behave. Any attempt at putting on the façade of a lumberjack or frat boy only results in her accusing me of just that: putting on an act. However, any attempt to act like myself, do the things I like and behave in a manner that is comfortable to me, just becomes ammunition for her to use as evidence that I am, in fact, a girl.

I wouldn´t be half as upset if my mother had accused me of these things to my face. But no, she had to tell all of this to my doctor. The man who is supposed to be trying to get me into the gender services program. My father and I both have every confidence that he will approach the subject objectively and not let my mother´s accusations affect his decision. But I´m human. A small part of me is petrified that the doctor is going to tell me to get the hell out of his office, I am not and never will be worthy of medical treatment through their clinic.

I don´t know what to do any more.

What do you want from me, Mom?

Why can´t you love who I am...

...instead of who you want me to be?

I survived the jungle!

It was a battle of epic proportions, but I did indeed survive the jungle! Even the crumbling, infested, most likely toxic hostel that Ecuadorian Friend and Other Friend and I staggered to, sleep deprived, at 3:00 in the morning after five hours on a bus.

I mentioned Other Friend the last time I came to Ecuador. The night that Ecuadorian Friend and I nearly got mugged, we had gone out drinking with two of his friends, one of whom was a modern hippie and the other I didn´t know very well. Ecuadorian Friend and I have spent a lot of time on this trip with that other friend, who I found out likes to listen to a lot of music.

So Ecuadorian Friend, Music Friend, and I took a bus from Quito to Tena. Tena is a city in the south of the country, from which we ventured forth into the jungle. I quickly discovered that Ecuadorian Friend had an elaborate plot to kill me and make it look like an accident.

The first thing we did on our first day in Tena was go rafting. Tena is in the province of Napo, and the Rio Napo flows right through the city. We took a truck to a spot about 45 minutes outside of Tena. This took us a good 44 minutes into the jungle.

Our rafting guide got our group (consisting of me, my two Ecuadorians, and six Russians) all situated with life jackets and helmets. Then he proceeded to explain what to do in the various circumstances that would involve you falling out of the boat. Luckily, I´ve been in dangerous boating situations before. If I had no experience, I doubt that I would have fared well at all, because as soon as the guide said, "If you fall out of the raft..." my panic sensors went off.

I managed to pay attention long enough to hear that you need to float on your back if you fall out of the raft, lest an anaconda grab your leg and pull you under and drown you. By this point, I had made it very clear to Ecuadorian Friend that if I was going in the water, I was making damn sure that he came with me.

The next step of the process was to climb down a steep, muddy, mossy, slippery hill to the water´s edge. I made sure that Musical Friend went first so that I´d have something to land on if I fell, which was more than a slight possibility, considering how graceful I am on flat ground.

Astonishingly, I actually made it to the bottom of the hill without falling. I then proceeded to slip on a rock while attempting to climb into the boat, try to catch my balance and miss (resulting in me shredding my right hand on said rock), and land on my right elbow (and crush it between the rock and my body).

So, as we began our rafting experience, I was bleeding and unable to move my right arm, which was not the best situation in the world because I needed to use both of my arms in order to paddle. I was debating going to a doctor, because my arm hurt so badly that I thought it might have been broken. But I was still able to move my fingers, so I proceeded with the rafting trip instead.

Within moments, everyone in our raft (Ecuadorian Friend, Music Friend, our rafting guide, and me) were soaked to the skin and freezing. Let me tell you, no matter how much Tena resembles an oven when it comes to heat, the Rio Napo is NOT warm.

I survived the rafting trip, although only barely. I fell out of the raft six times. Two of those tumbles occurred when the raft flipped over entirely. All of them occurred while attempting to steer through rapids. The last time I fell out, I got caught under a big wave in the rapids and got sucked underwater for a while.

The final stretch of the trip, however, went much more smoothly. My friends and I figured out how to sit and lean in order to keep the raft from flipping. By the time we were done, I was sunburnt, but not drowned. Sorry, Ecuadorian Friend. Your plan failed.

Yesterday, we went to the caves of Jumandy. This was definitely an experience worth the trouble! My friends and I emerged from the caves soaked and muddy and cramped and sore, but the adventure inside was unforgettable.

The caves have water running through them. These vary from small puddles to little creeks to giant pools to rushing rivers. We had to wade through a stream to enter the caves, and then swim across a big pool once we were inside.

Inside the caves, minerals dripped from the ceiling and there was mud everywhere. We climbed through tiny crevices and narrow tunnels to reach wide openings where we could see fossils and the river.

Near the end of the caves was a waterfall. It wasn´t very high, but the current was powerful. We got to stand under it and let the water fall over us. I got blessed by the caves.

This was definitely the trip of a lifetime! I told Ecuadorian Friend that I´d pick on him in my blog for being a wimp on the rafting trip, but really, I see no need. He took me on the most amazing adventures, and all I feel right now for him is gratitude. We didn´t even get eaten by zombies.

Greetings from Quito!

Well, this trip has been quite as eventful as my last visit here, if not more.

I got my wallet stolen on Wednesday.

Ecuadorian Friend works during the week, so there were a few days that I ventured out into Quito on my own. Ecuadorian Friend clearly has not picked up, in the last seven years of knowing me, what a disaster I am on my own. Well...he either hadn´t picked it up or he had forgotten. Until Wednesday. After my wallet got stolen, I´ve been staying at his house while he works and then going out exploring with him in the evenings, so that I´ll have a bodyguard and also so that he can remind me not to do anything stupid.

There´s a man in Quito who organizes a lot of LGBT resource centers here, as well as LGBT tourism. I met up with him on Wednesday morning for a tour of the oldest district of Quito (which I already saw with Ecuadorian Friend last year but was excited to see again).

Ecuadorian Friend entrusted me to Señor LGBT´s care, and headed off to work. The plan was for us all to meet up again when he was done working. Yeah, no such luck.

Señor took me to an old church and to the place that used to be Quito´s main library. It was awesome! I took a lot of pictures and was having a great time.

Here in South America, everything stops for lunch. In the U.S., dinner is the big meal of the day. A lot of times families will gather for dinner and go out somewhere nice, or cook a lot of food for the meal. Dinner usually comes with several courses, including dessert. Well, in South America, that big meal is lunch. So Señor and I decided to hit up a nearby restaurant before we went to explore a church that, I kid you not, is decorated entirely with gold on the inside.

Señor and I had a very tasty lunch of beans and rice and chicken. I had put my change from the cashier in my front pocket instead of trying to organize everything in my wallet. Ecuadorian Friend warned me several times, both last year and this time, to keep a very close eye on my wallet. As he had told me last year, "Everyone in Quito knows how to pick a pocket."

I win points for genius. I was carrying multiple things with me, and I´m picky about my pockets being too full. I was wearing a jacket with big side pockets, so I put my wallet in one of those. Just so you know, THIS WAS A VERY STUPID IDEA.

Señor and I finished our lunch, and I went to put my change in my wallet. Except that there was no wallet. I reached into my pocket and felt...empty space.

My first assumption was that I had dropped it, either next to my chair or when I had gone to use the bathroom. Señor and several restaurant employees were very kind and helped me search for it, with unfortunately no result.

I was distraught. Señor very generously paid for a taxi and brought me back to Ecuadorian Friend´s workplace and gave me some very good advice about what to do, such as cancelling my credit cards. He also reminded me that most stores want to see a photo ID or a passport when someone pays with a credit card, and I´m so white that nobody could possibly pass as me. He also reminded me that, on the bright side, I had left my passport, cell phone, and the majority of my cash back at Ecuadorian Friend´s house, so this incident was really just a minor setback and not a total catastrophe.

I wasn´t particularly worried about my credit cards, my driver´s license, or the few dollars I´d had in the wallet. I started to cry when I told Señor that I had pictures of Niece and Nephew in my wallet.

Señor brought me to an internet cafe, where I called my dad and explained the situation to him. He agreed to cancel my credit cards for me.

Ecuadorian Friend met up with us, and he was freaking out that my dad will never let me come back to Ecuador again.

One thing that must be understood about my dad: he is an extremely understanding person, for all his weirdness.

My dad and I communicate mostly on a level of playful insults. He calls me and my brother "bleeding heart liberals" and says he doesn´t know how he and my mom wound up adopting kids like us, and I tell him he´s just cranky because he´s old and missed his nap. Translated, this comes out to: "I´m proud of you," and "I love you."

My dad knows me better than just about anyone, excepting myself. He´s one of my best friends and has always been very easy to talk to. He´s also well aware of my tendency to draw trouble like a magnet. His usual response when I get myself into trouble is:

Dad: You learned a lesson, didn´t you?

Me: Yes...

Dad: You´re not going to do that again, are you?

Me: No.

My father is perfectly content to let the shame of whatever it is that I´ve done be my teacher, and he never rubs it in.

My guess is that when I arrange for my next trip to Ecuador, my dad´s opinion on the subject will be, "You´re going to keep your wallet in your front pocket this time, aren´t you?"

So, Ecuadorian Friend, you are worrying needlessly. I am going to come back to visit you. Maybe, just maybe, next time we can avoid another catastrophe.

On second thought...I probably just jinxed us.

Wallet aside, Ecuadorian Friend is taking me to the jungle tomorrow!

Don´t panic. I´m prepared.

Jungle zombies being the biggest threat here, I took it upon myself to (re)read The Zombie Survival Guide. I have a cunning plan. If we meet zombies, I trip Ecuadorian Friend and climb up a tree while he is being eaten. Also, in a worst case scenario, I´m confident that my Kindle will make an adequate bludgeoning tool.

Unfortunately, we´re just f***ed if we come across velociraptors.